Thursday, August 14, 2014

Finally, I'm back

It's been awhile. I don't think I need to explain. Grad school, divorce, thesis, work, Life. I'm finally me again. I have to put a shout out to one of my current students. Thank you. You reminded me of who I am. Note: interaction is not word for word. Him: "Hey, I don't want to be weird, but I think I read your blog" Me: "Oh yeah?" (Oh god what the hell was my last entry) Him: "Yeah, it was a huge reason I wanted to do this program." Me: Stunned. "Thanks" (held back tears...If only you knew the shit I've been through and the stupid mistakes I've made and the multiple times I've jeopardized everything). I'm so bad with names. I am still trying desperately to get his name. His nametag is flipped around every time he's in my group. Dammit. So, here I am. The ARRRR N. Now an (AG)ACNP-BC (so many letters!) who is teaching the youth not to eat their young. Teaching. I love it. I'm me again. My students are awesome. But I think they all are. Side note: this post coincides with Robin William's suicide. I have been on that brink, even as recently as a year ago. I cannot tell you how much it breaks my heart that he listened to his demons, but in a sad way I understand. Today, I was very sad while entering work. One of my docs and I had a long conversation about demons. He had a fight with a friend the night before. I had fought with someone I love. We laughed. He said, "You know, I am so outside of myself while I'm here. It's like a drug. I escape my reality by taking care of others. Instead of cocaine, and I've been there- I'm here, escaping into other peoples' lives." Yeah. I get that. We hugged. I took the next patient. She needed what we call "a turkey sandwich and a hug." Some days, yup, that's all you gotta give. It's nice to be back, standing on my feet. Solid.

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