Saturday, October 1, 2011

October, overwhelming.

Healthy or paralyzing fear?

Depends on the day. This program is a huge step up in everything that we're doing, and I really love what I'm learning. The stark realization of responsibility hits me every 15 minutes or so and I find myself nearly panicking - then I remind myself that there are two years left and I'm just beginning this program, and somehow I head back into studying.

Yeah, it's exciting. Sometimes I look around while at UCSF and I can't believe I'm there. It's everything I've ever worked for, and I'm doing it.

So many changes in life- it's amazing what a mere 8 weeks will teach someone. Burning Man was pivotal for me in so many aspects; I loved being a med supervisor and really connected with a group of EMS personnel who are just as goofy and fun-loving as I am. They were people who listen to each others' stories, understand one another. I felt more at home than I have in a while. And the gifts that the Playa provided! I can't even begin to articulate my experiences from this year, because they were so profound. Returning home from Black Rock City, I felt as though my lessons continued, and I felt ready to embrace life in a way I haven't for a very long time. I felt alive again. I still feel that. And I knew some changes had to occur. Which brings me to: Will is most likely moving to LA, where his world, life, work exists. He travels all the time for work, which is great- he's awesome at what he does. But leaves me alone. A lot. I think he's been home at the most 10 days in a row this year. Yes, what does that mean? I'll deal with that later. I can't even begin with that one.

All I can say is that in this past year, I've been lonelier than ever. But that's about to change.

Suffice to say I'm glad I'm in school, where I can get lost in learning.

Here we go.