No, really

Yeah, now it's really been a while. And why?
Because no matter what anyone tells you, it all comes down to the fact that night shift... TRULY SUCKS.
Yes, the camaraderie is amazing. Yes, you will learn more than you would on day shift. Yes, you have to troubleshoot for yourself, and doggone it, it's good for you when you talk to salty old nurses who can reminisce about how tough it was to have a night shift and be so stranded with few resources and new interns and new residents and oh my god we're gonna hurt these 8 patients I had to take care of in the snow uphill but....
it all comes down to:
Night shift sucks. Ass.
It creates good bonding, and to those who are naturally night people? Good on' ya. Please keep our world turning.
I remember being up before sunrise. Now I stay up until 11am sometimes. And it makes me feel weird.

But overall, it's good for me. Or so I keep telling myself. So, until the holidays are past, I am going to keep a positive attitude. I have my dream job. I am working in a level 1 UC trauma center that gives me tuition discount etc...
I see things that most people will never see (Rheumatic Fever? Really? Seriously?)
I see cutting edge treatment. I've run a gurney to the OR with a surgeon's hand in someone's heart, holding an Aorta together. I've seen dead people come back from a code. I've seen trauma unlike anything I could imagine. And I'm still here.

And my husband is by my side. So, that speaks for itself.

Spring Cleaning

Those crowbars are on the floor of Will's grandpa's kitchen. We were pulling out drywall and I put the bars down and *gasp* there it was, love in the middle of us pulling down the walls. Kind of awesome.

Between working night shift and planning a wedding, writing has taken a back burner to life lately. Some fun things have happened: I found my digital camera, although it's not charged, so I can share more fun photos of cool things, like the most awesomest pen light EVAR in the shape of a killer whale that my friend Katie sent me as a thank you- and my little kiddo patients love it. *Happy Dance!*

Wedding plans are deep underway: venue, bridesmaids all picked and dresses purchased, DJ, Photographer, on to cake tasting. The worst part is the list of invitations. We have been *agonizing* over the invites. Anyone who's been a bride knows this pain.
Sheesh.

I've also been weeding out sources of stress. This past month, I've gone 50 days without any alcohol (I know, can you believe it?), which was a real eye-opener as far as stress relief goes. Many of us use alcohol to de-stress, and I've had to use other venues, such as walks, yoga, stretching, meditation, tea, art, and of course, shoe shopping. I've had more massages in the past month than I have in the past year. There's been some balance restored. Much needed.
I have also done some work examining (with help) people who have used me in the past or who I have allowed to cross my boundaries - this list includes folks from college to people I work with occasionally, to even patients, and recognizing how much I tolerate without speaking up has lead me to be a lot healthier- and now I let people know immediately if something bugs me. I still have to say in some cases, "If you can't say something nice..." is a good rule, but for the most part, I'm not rolling over on my back anymore.

The smell in the air and the wind and rain has been reminding me of river season. I had a moment, driving up the central valley, where I just flashed back to the first time I drove into a river canyon, and that familiar feeling of love and excitement comes back to me. I can't wait to put my paddle in the water.

That's all for now. Working to get a per diem job, taking another year out from UCSF so I can really have the experience to help me as an expert in the future, and doing work on maintaining and constructing good boundaries.

And I'm also saving up for shoes. Oh my god, shoes.