"Because you don't suck."

Ok, this morning, I was walking towards my car with another ER nurse friend of mine, someone I really just love because she's a great nurse and actually genuinely kind.
And the subject of double time came up -
we get double time pay when we stay over past our 12 hour shift (rocks, seriously). And she made a comment, and I commented back that my pay was not that much.
And she said, "Why? That's BS!"
And I reminded her:
"Well, they started me at the lowest pay possible. I've only been a nurse for 17 months. I'm a baby."

And she stopped, and looked at me, and said, "You know, I forget that, because you don't suck. You're, like, really on top of your sh*t." (that word is obviously "shot" since I work in a trauma center). "You know how some new nurses just suck horribly? You actually are really smart, and everyone likes working with you. I forget that you're new. You're, like, not really new. You're quasi-new. Some people never get it, and you totally get it."

I blushed. I think I muttered something inane and ran towards my car, waving good-bye/good morning.

But I secretly really liked that compliment.
I am scared of being a sucky nurse. And I'm glad that at least some of my co-workers don't perceive me that way, because honestly, I really care.
So, that was kind of awesome.

No, really

Yeah, now it's really been a while. And why?
Because no matter what anyone tells you, it all comes down to the fact that night shift... TRULY SUCKS.
Yes, the camaraderie is amazing. Yes, you will learn more than you would on day shift. Yes, you have to troubleshoot for yourself, and doggone it, it's good for you when you talk to salty old nurses who can reminisce about how tough it was to have a night shift and be so stranded with few resources and new interns and new residents and oh my god we're gonna hurt these 8 patients I had to take care of in the snow uphill but....
it all comes down to:
Night shift sucks. Ass.
It creates good bonding, and to those who are naturally night people? Good on' ya. Please keep our world turning.
I remember being up before sunrise. Now I stay up until 11am sometimes. And it makes me feel weird.

But overall, it's good for me. Or so I keep telling myself. So, until the holidays are past, I am going to keep a positive attitude. I have my dream job. I am working in a level 1 UC trauma center that gives me tuition discount etc...
I see things that most people will never see (Rheumatic Fever? Really? Seriously?)
I see cutting edge treatment. I've run a gurney to the OR with a surgeon's hand in someone's heart, holding an Aorta together. I've seen dead people come back from a code. I've seen trauma unlike anything I could imagine. And I'm still here.

And my husband is by my side. So, that speaks for itself.

Been a while.

It's been a while. There have been so many life changes, I can't even begin to start writing about them. Apologies to those who have left comments- when I write, I really like to spend time focusing on writing, and given a new job for both of us, a billion life changes, and a wedding to plan, I'm stretched thin.

Ok, the short version:

Will is now the CTO (chief technical officer) of a 3-D television company.

I just got my dream job, that I've wanted since I decided I was going to nursing school:
I am now working at UC Davis medical center in the Emergency Dept. We're a Level 1 Trauma center, which means: teaching hospital, sicker patients, and total insanity. Add the fact that the ED is moving to a 50,000 square foot brand new building in about 1.5 months, and there is total utter chaos.

Keep in mind I'm following HIPAA when I discuss patient stuff:

In the past month on orientation at Davis I've done CPR on about 10 people.
None of them lived.

I'm in process of filling out a ton of competencies. Our orientation binder is about the same thickness as an entire quarter's class. There are 10 new nurses orienting together, and I think they just added 5 more. There will be another 10 coming in soon.

As far as CPR and codes/determining death go:
The really cool thing is that not only do we use two different leads, we actually use ultrasound on the heart to see if there's any activity at all. If there is, we take a next step (still learning what that is, depending on the person and the attending physician's preference).
For those of you who may not know, in order for a physician to pronounce death, the patient has to have asystole in two different leads/EKG perspectives on the heart, which ensures that the patient really is dead. It's a failsafe. Using ultrasound is even more accurate. It's really cool how far they'll go to work to save someone.

I've driven a gurney at Mach 3 to the OR with blood dripping behind it a-la-Hansel-and-Gretel-trail, with a surgeon's hand in someone's chest holding their dissected aorta together while three nurses were hanging blood as fast as they could to keep that person alive. At least you can really say we tried. No, that person didn't make it.
The twisted thing is that all I could think about was BBQ afterward. I attribute it to the rib spreaders. What? I mean, I know, it's twisted. I warned you. This blog isn't always pretty, and we EMS folks are a little... different. Thank goodness.

I've seen someone pronounced dead after being coded for an hour. Asystole on two leads on two different monitors, ultrasound of the heart showed no activity. Full on "Time of Death: blah blah blah."
Somehow, a few minutes later, this person was in NSR (normal sinus rhythm: ie, their heart was beating. Normally. This kind of thing ONLY happens in soap operas, folks).
Nobody has seen anything like that in their entire career.

I've seen all sorts of other stuff. Crepitus (Sub-cutaneous air) from a pneumothorax, some really sick people in general, lots of intubations... it's a mad, mad place.

I've seen imminent delivery. That's actually kind of happy and fun, but messy.

The nurses I work with, for the most part, are some of the most intelligent, welcoming folks I've met. We are expected to have a vast array of knowledge, and to be able to anticipate a lot of interventions. Many of them have advanced degrees. Half of them have over 15 years of experience. I am a baby in comparison.

Nobody could ever be on facebook here. There's no way in hell you could do anything but try to keep your patients alive. Especially when 4 people come in with CPR in progress, the Resuscitation Room nurses need help, and your patient's blood pressure is dropping and you need help, too. It's insane.
And I love it.

I start nights again this week, which I'm not looking forward to, but at least I know what to expect.

On my off days, I'm back in my Sacramento routine: outrigger canoe paddling, cycling long distances on the American River Bike Trail, and I have yet to visit my old Bikram Yoga studio.
Our new place is infinitely better than any of our old apartments. It's a 2.5/1.5 with tons of storage, a backyard, a garage, a basement, and a rose garden in front. Our landlady is super cool and likes to share a glass of wine with me on the back porch.
Life is pretty good.